so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
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Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
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Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants