My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
