I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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