you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
