woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
