A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
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He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
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my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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