there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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