It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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