While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
