We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
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If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
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I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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