mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It's shark week go big or go home
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
