i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
