Having a random hookup so left but love u
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
