If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
