i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
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Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
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Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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