How'd it feel making her break her religion?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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