i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
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he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
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at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit