my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats