2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
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Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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