so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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