You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
