don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I need to sanitize my soul.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
