I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
