Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
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I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
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Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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