You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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