i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
