real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
