Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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