Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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