I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
