This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
