don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
