Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
