we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
