If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
