i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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