dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
