Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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