turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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