the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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