Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
