In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
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She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
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Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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