my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
