it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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