My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
