she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
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and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
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THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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