i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
