highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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