he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it