Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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