If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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