My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
