Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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