you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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