I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
