haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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