His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
